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PARAPROSDOKIANS

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Rigil Kent
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« on: June 13, 2012, 13:01:17 PM »

PARAPROSDOKIANS...

(Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.  Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. My desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault.  I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
And mine is...I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
 
 
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Faerie
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« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2012, 13:19:14 PM »

I identify strongly with no 14:

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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

I will never understand how a man's ego/self-image can override what could clearly be seen in a mirror.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2012, 13:24:27 PM »

I will never understand how a man's ego/self-image can override what could clearly be seen in a mirror.

We have no idea why women find us attractive at any stage of our lives, so we just assume we must be sexy.

"I've had a good time! But this wasn't it."
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Faerie
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« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2012, 13:29:22 PM »

We have no idea why women find us attractive at any stage of our lives, so we just assume we must be sexy.

Hmm... this is also true...  Undecided

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Superman
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« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2012, 14:14:43 PM »

Hmm... this is also true...  Undecided

I don't buy into this for a minute.  Cheesy
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Rigil Kent
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« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2012, 14:17:44 PM »

I will never understand how a man's ego/self-image can override what could clearly be seen in a mirror.

Everyone knows that mirrors can't be trusted. For goodness sake, they can't even get left and right right!

Rigil
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Faerie
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« Reply #6 on: June 13, 2012, 14:30:09 PM »

Hmm... this is also true...  Undecided

I don't buy into this for a minute.  Cheesy

Nope, its true, ever seen a gorgeous supermodel standing next to a Danny Devito clone?  Anyway, I, myself like a wrinkly rugged looking man... I dont do fat though, I do have some standards.... Evil
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Superman
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« Reply #7 on: June 13, 2012, 14:38:20 PM »

I dont do fat though, I do have some standards.... Evil
I once tried to be friends with the Bear community but that was a bad idea. Everybody started thinking I was actually into Bears. I had to cut my losses quickly and hope nobody mentions it ever again.

I have standards but they are far tooo high so I settle for being single.
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st0nes
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« Reply #8 on: June 13, 2012, 14:48:15 PM »

I dont do fat though, I do have some standards.... Evil
I once tried to be friends with the Bear community but that was a bad idea. Everybody started thinking I was actually into Bears. I had to cut my losses quickly and hope nobody mentions it ever again.

I have standards but they are far tooo high so I settle for being single.
Bears?  They have a community?  What species of bears are these?
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Faerie
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« Reply #9 on: June 13, 2012, 14:57:00 PM »

I dont do fat though, I do have some standards.... Evil
I once tried to be friends with the Bear community but that was a bad idea. Everybody started thinking I was actually into Bears. I had to cut my losses quickly and hope nobody mentions it ever again.

I have standards but they are far tooo high so I settle for being single.
Bears?  They have a community?  What species of bears are these?

Teddy bears, care bears? I'm also curious...  Huh?
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Mefiante
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« Reply #10 on: June 13, 2012, 14:58:49 PM »

Grisly Kodak bears. Wink

'Luthon64
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Superman
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« Reply #11 on: June 13, 2012, 15:08:21 PM »

Grisly Kodak bears. Wink

'Luthon64

So True!
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Mefiante
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In solidarity with rwenzori: Κοπρος φανεται


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« Reply #12 on: June 13, 2012, 16:00:01 PM »

Bears?  They have a community?  What species of bears are these?
This should clear up any lingering confusion.

'Luthon64
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Superman
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« Reply #13 on: June 13, 2012, 16:19:03 PM »

I would have gone with something like this:



But I did not know that there was any confusion. I just though you all where kidding around since you all seem very knowledgeable about most subjects.
« Last Edit: June 13, 2012, 16:37:59 PM by Superman, Reason: Spelling and Grammar again. » Logged
Rigil Kent
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Three men make a tiger.


« Reply #14 on: June 13, 2012, 16:58:03 PM »

Bears?  They have a community?  What species of bears are these?
This should clear up any lingering confusion.

'Luthon64


Oh great - now I have to clear my browsing history AGAIN!  Tongue

R.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #15 on: June 13, 2012, 17:03:29 PM »

Quote from: Weird Al Yankovic
But I only watched "Will And Grace" one time one day
Wish I hadn't 'cause TiVo now thinks I'm gay
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Faerie
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« Reply #16 on: June 14, 2012, 07:46:18 AM »

I just though you all where kidding around since you all seem very knowledgeable about most subjects.

We learn something new every day.... whether we like it or not!  Cheesy
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Hermes
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« Reply #17 on: June 14, 2012, 15:22:12 PM »

I am particularly fond of the circular definitions where the meaning of a word is applied to itself, like:

•   Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
•   Reincarnation is making a comeback.
•   Being superstitious is bad luck.

In similar vein:

•   Don’t think just because you’re paranoid, they’re not out to get you.
•   Have you noticed that all the people who favour birth control are already born?
•   Meddle not in the affairs of witches, for…. ribbit? ribbit?

Some more paraprosdokians:

•   He who laughs last thinks slowest.
•   Before criticizing another man, first walk a mile in his shoes; then you’re a mile away and have his shoes.
•   A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose.
•   When the cat’s away you don’t need to clean the litter box.
•   Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
•   People only live happily ever after on a day to day basis.
•   Sex is not the answer.   Sex is the question.  The answer is yes.
•   Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
•   The best way to save face is to keep the lower part shut.
•   My wife and I have a perfect understanding:  I don’t try to run her life and I don’t try to run mine.
•   Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
•   The secret of success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you have it made.
•   When it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it probably should stay in the oven a while longer.
•   The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
•   You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom.
•   Are you going to come quietly or do I have to put in earplugs?

Most of the above were sourced from Coast to Coast backpackers’ guide.
« Last Edit: June 14, 2012, 19:09:39 PM by Hermes » Logged
Faerie
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« Reply #18 on: June 14, 2012, 15:36:50 PM »

This is sooooo true!!

Quote
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom
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Rigil Kent
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Three men make a tiger.


« Reply #19 on: June 14, 2012, 17:29:44 PM »

I am particularly fond of the circular definitions where the meaning of a word is applied to itself,

Like most cancerians, I'm very skeptical about astrology.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #20 on: June 14, 2012, 18:59:03 PM »

* I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees get bigger as they approach. Then it hit me.
* Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

A geek favourite:

* The box said to install Windows 95 or better, so I installed Linux.




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Hermes
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« Reply #21 on: June 14, 2012, 19:20:35 PM »

This is sooooo true!!
Quote
You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can never fool mom
I agree.  And "A bird in the hand makes it difficult to blow your nose" is equally true.  Just this afternoon I was holding my (yellow) budgie in my hand while I have a cold and I can assure you it was quite difficult. Wink
« Last Edit: June 14, 2012, 20:18:01 PM by Hermes » Logged
Mefiante
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« Reply #22 on: June 14, 2012, 22:06:11 PM »

This thread is like déjà vu all over again.

'Luthon64
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Rigil Kent
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« Reply #23 on: June 14, 2012, 23:11:44 PM »

Just this afternoon I was holding my (yellow) budgie in my hand while I have a cold and I can assure you it was quite difficult.

Mmmm .... budgies can be tricky. Have you tried laughing doves? They don't bite and are far more absorbent.

Rigil
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Faerie
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« Reply #24 on: June 15, 2012, 07:36:08 AM »

This thread is like déjà vu all over again.

'Luthon64

Heh! still chuckling...  Cheesy
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Mefiante
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« Reply #25 on: June 15, 2012, 09:21:38 AM »

Heh! still chuckling...  Cheesy
That was one by the inimitable Yogi Berra, IIRC.  (More here.)

'Luthon64
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« Reply #26 on: June 15, 2012, 15:50:52 PM »

My wife and I have a good understanding about money. I earn it and she spend it.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #27 on: June 15, 2012, 16:02:14 PM »

Reminds me of: Ek en jy het 'n verstandhouding, ek het die verstand en jy het die houding.
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Hermes
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« Reply #28 on: June 19, 2012, 11:53:05 AM »

“Now, sometimes people always say: ‘The way he is talking, he is talking about Mangaung.’ I am not standing, I am not running for anything but I am also not running away from anything,” said Sexwale.

Then, sometimes people never say: "I want to be president.  Vote for me."
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