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Puns

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Hermes
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« on: August 21, 2010, 23:30:23 PM »

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
 
 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.
 
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
 
13. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
 
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
 
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
 
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
 
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
 
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.
 
« Last Edit: August 22, 2010, 12:00:48 PM by Hermes » Logged
StevoMuso
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« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2010, 09:59:44 AM »

LOL, thanks. Some more:

The hypochondriacs went to a sham-pain party.
Crime report: All the toilet seats were stolen from Scotland Yard. The police have nothing to go on.
Sign in a school hallway during exam time: "Exams in progress. Do not pass."
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GCG
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skeptical mantis is skeptical


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« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2010, 10:22:29 AM »

the lols, it makes me a funny.
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Brian
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« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2010, 08:37:17 AM »

edo yopu remember the bumper stickers some time back that said something about 'do it' so when I drive I sit and make up this 'do it' puns, ie.


artisans do it with their tools
waterpolo players do it with one hand
hockey players do it bent over
rugby players do with their heads between other people's legs

and so on....makes the road so much shorter! Grin
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StevoMuso
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« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2010, 09:28:50 AM »

edo you remember the bumper stickers some time back that said something about 'do it' so when I drive I sit and make up this 'do it' puns, ie.
Trombone players do it in 7 positions, and the good one's can triple-tongue, dadiga dadiga dadiga daaam!

The funnies, they give me a happy.  Cheesy
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Brian
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« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2010, 09:36:05 AM »

yeh soccer players dribble when they do it and surfers do it standing up Grin
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StevoMuso
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« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2010, 09:51:52 AM »

And priests do it in innocence (oooh, ouch, couldn't resist, sorry).
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Hermes
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2010, 16:37:29 PM »

"Classical theism" is an oxymoron and its proponents lack oxy-.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2013, 14:12:32 PM »

I saw this article and punny quote today:

Quote from: slashdot.org
A Kuwaiti court sentenced a man to two years in prison on Monday for insulting the country's ruler on Twitter


Quote from: MrKaos
Another argument for metric, As it's obvious this ruler was Imperial.

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brianvds
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« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2013, 20:52:43 PM »

"Classical theism" is an oxymoron and its proponents lack oxy-.

Or they are plain morons.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2013, 12:38:48 PM »

The human cannonball passed away, now the circus are struggling to find someone of the same calibre.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2014, 10:43:45 AM »

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs: They always take things literally.
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Brian
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« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2014, 13:49:15 PM »

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
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Brian
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I think therefor I am, I think


« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2014, 15:18:10 PM »

When chemists die, they barium!
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2014, 13:20:11 PM »

Here's a whole bunch.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #15 on: July 23, 2015, 18:16:46 PM »

Plagiarised some FB stuff:

I asked a nudist friend what he was doing this weekend. He had nothing on.

A criminal stole a calendar, he got 12 months.

I bought new running shoes, but they were a bit tekkie.

Why was the Simba Chippie negative? He was going through a dip.

As jy 'n skroewedraaier verkeerd vashou, kan dinge lelik uitdraai!

Alles in die lewe het 'n doel. Veral sokker en netbal.

Hierdie loadshedding sit my liggies af.

Box of tic-tac's for sale: Mint condition.

Sal ek 'n liedjie vir my bank skryf? Absa-lied!

As jy geld by die bank leen, dan is dit jou eie skuld.

Ek dink Spar se drankwinkel is Tops.

I knew a girl with medical aid, pension, and car insurance. She was my friend with benefits.

For my 18th my parents bought me a CAR. I don't even like magazines.

As ek by die ATM kom kry ek onttrekkingssimptome.

Elke keer as ek by KFC inloop kry ek hoendervleis!

Om taai biltong te eet is nie 'n straf nie. Dis 'n sening.

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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2015, 10:00:35 AM »

Driving through Dunkeld West this morning I spied 2 puns in 2 minutes.

One was this...


The other was on a blackboard the garage next-door to said Fournos usually uses to entertain drivers stuck in traffic (moi) with witty things. Sadly phone skills were lacking to catch a pic but it said:

"I'm reading a book about anti-gravity, and I'm finding I can't put it down".
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #17 on: November 02, 2015, 09:51:11 AM »

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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #18 on: March 24, 2016, 13:43:59 PM »

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
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brianvds
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« Reply #19 on: March 24, 2016, 14:24:57 PM »

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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #20 on: June 22, 2016, 13:12:28 PM »

Two windmills are standing in a field. After a while one breaks the silence:
Q: "So, what kind of music do you like?"
A: "I'm a big metal fan"
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #21 on: June 24, 2016, 22:04:09 PM »

Pedophilia: Now there's a touchy subject.
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Rigil Kent
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Three men make a tiger.


« Reply #22 on: August 25, 2016, 19:13:20 PM »

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."                                                                    - Posted at Chess.com
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Mefiante
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In solidarity with rwenzori: Κοπρος φανεται


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« Reply #23 on: August 25, 2016, 19:58:48 PM »

Actually, that’s a feghoot.

'Luthon64
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brianvds
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« Reply #24 on: August 26, 2016, 06:26:53 AM »

Actually, that’s a feghoot.

'Luthon64

It's a hoot either way. :-)
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #25 on: September 08, 2016, 11:49:57 AM »

Q: Why do riot police get to work early?
A: They like to beat the crowd.
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brianvds
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« Reply #26 on: September 08, 2016, 12:03:10 PM »

Q: Why do riot police get to work early?
A: They like to beat the crowd.

And what does the riot policeman's wife cheerfully say to him when he leaves?
A: Break a leg!
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #27 on: September 22, 2016, 15:45:07 PM »

You could try to convince me how great auto-asphixiation is until you're blue in the face.
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brianvds
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« Reply #28 on: September 22, 2016, 16:37:56 PM »

You could try to convince me how great auto-asphixiation is until you're blue in the face.

And you can try to convince me to exert myself more until you're red in the face.

And that seasickness is all in the mind until you're green in the face.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #29 on: October 21, 2016, 10:37:29 AM »

This one comes with a crudeness warning. You've been warned.

(click to show/hide)
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Faerie
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« Reply #30 on: October 21, 2016, 13:45:50 PM »

Sheesh Boogie, I expected crudeness and got lame instead. Know your audience! (Yeah, I know, the whole world is PC mad)
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brianvds
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« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2016, 15:30:57 PM »

Sheesh Boogie, I expected crudeness and got lame instead. Know your audience! (Yeah, I know, the whole world is PC mad)

Well, I don't know. It did put a full stop to my appetite...
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Rigil Kent
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Three men make a tiger.


« Reply #32 on: October 21, 2016, 21:49:09 PM »

Bloody awful. Lips Sealed

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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #33 on: October 22, 2016, 00:10:33 AM »

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #34 on: November 18, 2016, 09:55:48 AM »

I swallowed a handful of scrabble tiles, my next bowel movement could spell disaster.
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Rigil Kent
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Three men make a tiger.


« Reply #35 on: November 18, 2016, 11:31:19 AM »

That would be a disaster, not to mention a waste of s's. Can you at least manage a double word score from where you're sitting?  Tongue
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #36 on: November 22, 2016, 08:47:54 AM »

Periodic table

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Rigil Kent
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Three men make a tiger.


« Reply #37 on: November 22, 2016, 13:03:25 PM »

Dinner at the periodic table.

"Pass the salt, please."
"There aren't any."

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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #38 on: November 22, 2016, 13:20:27 PM »

Then I'll just have the Polonium.
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brianvds
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« Reply #39 on: November 22, 2016, 14:04:09 PM »

Dinner at the periodic table.

"Pass the salt, please."
"There aren't any."



There will be if I can find a way to neutralize your acidic remarks.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #40 on: November 22, 2016, 15:19:40 PM »

Dinner at the periodic table.

"Pass the salt, please."
"There aren't any."



There will be if I can find a way to neutralize your acidic remarks.

C'mon now, no need to catalyze any runaway reactions, we should be bonding.
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Rigil Kent
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Three men make a tiger.


« Reply #41 on: November 22, 2016, 19:40:07 PM »

I'm not sitting on that lanthanide contraption.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #42 on: November 29, 2016, 13:47:02 PM »

Whiteboards are remarkable.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #43 on: December 08, 2016, 16:53:27 PM »

I've heard seven cancer jokes today, If I hear Tumor it's gonna Benign.

EDIT (Bonus): I like jokes about kids with cancer, they never get old.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #44 on: April 16, 2017, 21:56:40 PM »

A hungry traveler stopped at a monastery and was taken to the kitchen where a brother was frying chips:
"Are you the friar?" he asked.
The brother replied "No. I'm the chip monk."
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