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Puns

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Hermes
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« on: August 21, 2010, 23:30:23 PM »

1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
 
 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
 
 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
 
 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
 
 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
 
 7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
 
 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
 
 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
 
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.
 
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
 
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
 
13. I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
 
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
 
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
 
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
 
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
 
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
that votes.
 
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
 
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
 
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
 
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
 
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
 
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
 
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.
 
« Last Edit: August 22, 2010, 12:00:48 PM by Hermes » Logged
StevoMuso
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« Reply #1 on: August 22, 2010, 09:59:44 AM »

LOL, thanks. Some more:

The hypochondriacs went to a sham-pain party.
Crime report: All the toilet seats were stolen from Scotland Yard. The police have nothing to go on.
Sign in a school hallway during exam time: "Exams in progress. Do not pass."
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GCG
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skeptical mantis is skeptical


adele horn
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« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2010, 10:22:29 AM »

the lols, it makes me a funny.
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Brian
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« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2010, 08:37:17 AM »

edo yopu remember the bumper stickers some time back that said something about 'do it' so when I drive I sit and make up this 'do it' puns, ie.


artisans do it with their tools
waterpolo players do it with one hand
hockey players do it bent over
rugby players do with their heads between other people's legs

and so on....makes the road so much shorter! Grin
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StevoMuso
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« Reply #4 on: August 25, 2010, 09:28:50 AM »

edo you remember the bumper stickers some time back that said something about 'do it' so when I drive I sit and make up this 'do it' puns, ie.
Trombone players do it in 7 positions, and the good one's can triple-tongue, dadiga dadiga dadiga daaam!

The funnies, they give me a happy.  Cheesy
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Brian
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« Reply #5 on: August 25, 2010, 09:36:05 AM »

yeh soccer players dribble when they do it and surfers do it standing up Grin
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StevoMuso
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« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2010, 09:51:52 AM »

And priests do it in innocence (oooh, ouch, couldn't resist, sorry).
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Hermes
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« Reply #7 on: August 26, 2010, 16:37:29 PM »

"Classical theism" is an oxymoron and its proponents lack oxy-.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2013, 14:12:32 PM »

I saw this article and punny quote today:

Quote from: slashdot.org
A Kuwaiti court sentenced a man to two years in prison on Monday for insulting the country's ruler on Twitter


Quote from: MrKaos
Another argument for metric, As it's obvious this ruler was Imperial.

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brianvds
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« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2013, 20:52:43 PM »

"Classical theism" is an oxymoron and its proponents lack oxy-.

Or they are plain morons.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #10 on: December 06, 2013, 12:38:48 PM »

The human cannonball passed away, now the circus are struggling to find someone of the same calibre.
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2014, 10:43:45 AM »

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs: They always take things literally.
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Brian
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« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2014, 13:49:15 PM »

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
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Brian
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« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2014, 15:18:10 PM »

When chemists die, they barium!
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BoogieMonster
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« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2014, 13:20:11 PM »

Here's a whole bunch.
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